POLLUTING

黃色的瓷磚地板，就算在台灣炎熱的夏天也能保持一定的涼爽，小時候有許多時間，我都躺在那玉一般的地面上，穿著一件碎花裙想像著世界。我慢慢的移動身體的每個部位來散熱，以傳熱的速度來計算時間。當我的背脊漸漸的溫暖一塊塊的瓷磚，我感覺到思想流動著，從我的腦部沈澱到背面，再悄悄的滲進毫無思路的瓷磚。它們吸收了我童年最奔放最天真的憧憬而跟著發燒了起來，竟管它們的重生很短暫。從躺著到趴著，側著，雙腿盤著，我的肌膚刺激著它們有限的想像力，讓它們感受到前所未有的親密與尊重，一個下午常常這樣就過了，

Yellow tiles remain cold even in the hot summers of Taipei. Many times in my childhood, I lay upon such jade-like flooring imagining the world in a floral printed dress. I slowly moved each part of my body in order to cool down, using the rate of transmitting heat to record time. As my spine gradually warmed each of the tiles, I felt the movement of thought condensing from my brain to my back, then slowly infusing into the complete thoughtless tiles. They absorbed the most unrestrained and naive desires of my childhood and became feverish alongside although their rebirth are abbreviated. From my back to stomach, sides of waist to folded thighs, my skin stimulated their limited imagination and in turn they felt the intimacy and respect they never knew of before. An afternoon often passed by like this.

我總是想起愛，但同時我又憎恨氾濫，不經包裝又總被提起的愛。我不曾表達我任何一絲絲的愛意，因為那時我認為這種洩露很無恥。我無法承認我是這麼一個低俗的人，這樣的矛盾在我的身體與瓷磚間的縫隙游動著，讓我滿腔的愛溢了出來卻局限在我的四周，小心翼翼的不給他人發現。我深愛著一個人，雖然現在想起他並不是一個人，而更是像某種宗教，信仰。他不存在卻又那麼的真實，而我又那麼確認著那是愛，是他牽動著我每分每秒，每個動作。這輩子我從來沒有這麼毋庸置疑的相信愛，相信我自己，並且相信這會是個不變數。

I always thought of love, but at the same time I despised ubiquitous love that was raw and always remarked. I never expressed any sliver of love, because at the time I thought the disclosure was shameless. I could not admit myself to be such a vulgar person, so this contradiction swam inside the gap between my body and the tiles, letting my inundating love spill while confining them to my sides, careful not to be discovered by anyone. I was deeply in love with someone, although now come to think of it he was not a person, rather more like a religion, faith. He does not exist yet was ever so real, and I was so certain that it was love. It was him that affected my every second, every minute, every movement. My whole life, I had never so strongly believed in love, believed in myself, and believed that this was an invariable. 

於是我長期躺在那芥末黃的瓷磚上，等待著我的愛人走進前院打開鐵門。我將先從半透明的紗窗後看見他朦朧的身影，接著一切都會那麼自然，我會隨他離去，進入另一個無比美好的世界，在那個世界我會為他而死，而且是毫無猶豫的接受那死亡。死亡是進入天堂的必須過程，那時他是我的天，盡管我永遠處碰不到那有時碧藍，有時陰沈的天，但我知道他存在，也願意不擇手段為了能更靠近他。在他的世界我想像不到父母的悲傷，宗教的愛從不顧及父母的愛，那是被列為二等的，通俗的愛，那是無法帶領你去天堂的愛，那只是一首歌，當你踩著雲端接近天空時，尾隨著你而播放著憂鬱的旋律，你卻始終以為是天使呼喚著你。

Hence I lay upon the mustard-yellow tiles for long periods of time, waiting for my lover to walk into our front yard and unlatch the steel gate. I will first see his blurred figure through the half translucent screen door, and everything would be so natural. I will leave and follow him, into another lovely world. In that world I shall die for him and accept the death without hesitation. Death is the necessary procedure in order to reach heaven, and at the time he was my sky, however I might never touch that sometimes cerulean, sometimes grey sky, but I knew he existed, and will do anything in order to become closer. In his world I could not imagine the sadness of my parents, the love of religion never minds the love of your father, your mother. Those were secondary, the popular type of love. That wasn't love that could lead you to heaven, it was only a sorrowful song that follows behind you as you step upon the clouds towards the sky, yet this whole time you thought they were angels calling for you. 

沒有天使存在，沒有天堂，也沒有他。當我離開了那冰涼刺骨的黃色瓷磚後，我去了一個鋪滿米色地毯的家。我曾經躺在那米色的絨地上望著外面的藍天，綠草，想像著他再次從落地窗後的院子出現。我以為我離他又更近了，在那樣一個世界裡我曾經想像過這樣的一片綠地，這樣的鳥兒唱歌。某天下午我帶著浪漫的思緒躺進那看似柔軟的草原，卻被小草一排排的牙齒啃傷。它們咬著我又癢又痛，甚至沿著我的手臂爬著。那是一隻帶著侵略性的蟲子，鮮艷的紅色在我肌膚上顯得十分耀眼，觸鬚一閃一閃的探索著路線。我吸了一大口氣把它吹開了，他就再次跌進那海一般的草地。原來踩向天堂的第一步路，就發現天堂從不存在過，他不知道要出現，也不知道如何出現。

there are no angels, no heaven, and no him. When I left the chilliness of the yellow tiles, I went to a house spread with beige carpet. I once lay on the rice-colored fur looking at the blue sky, green grass outside, imagining his appearance once more from the window panels of our yard. I thought I became even closer to him. In a world like that I had once imagined such a field of green grass, such birds singing. One afternoon I lay into the soft-looking grass with scents of romance but was bitten by the grass's rows of rigid teeth. It hurt and tickled, and even crawled up against my arm. It was an aggressive insect, its brilliant red color appearing especially vigorous on my pale skin, its tentacles sparkling while it explored its realm. I inhaled strongly and blew it away, and it fell into the sea-like grass. In my first step towards heaven I realized that heaven never existed. He didn't even know how to appear, let alone appear.